The Four Little Pigs

THE THREE FOUR LITTLE PIGS
13-Feb-2005
16-Feb-2005
I think I am correct in saying that just about everyone has heard the story of the three little pigs. At least, you've heard of it. If you haven't heard the complete story, this will be a lot easier for you to grasp. For the rest of you, just hang on tight.
Although the original writer of "The Three Little Pigs" preferred to stay anonymous, he did say this: "Everyone makes mistakes." This is very true. He made two big ones though. Not having much writing experience when he wrote the book, he completely left out the two most important characters. One, the fourth little pig, and two, the big bad wolfs mother. Without them, the whole story is very anti-climatic. You see, the reason the big bad wolf was trying to blow their houses down in the first place was this: His mother had a condition. Never mind what kind, it was just a condition. The only cure was a healthy dose of fresh pork and bacon. As for the fourth little pig, well, I must admit he doesn't do much but, he keeps the story from being so vapid. Adds flare, pizzazz, whatever you want to call it. You'll just have to see for yourself.
His second mistake was, it's too light. He completely cut out all the fighting and exciting chases. No fun at all. I however have taken the creative liberty to add some excitement to the story. Enjoy!
Now I present to you the new and revised edition of, "THE FOUR LITTLE PIGS"

It was a fine sunny day in the Mountain Valley. In a quaint little house on top of a hill there lived a mother pig with her FOUR sons...

Well this part isn't any different so, I'll skip ahead to when they're building their houses.

Pig #1 was just down the road busily building his house out of straw. Pig #2 was about another mile down the road building his house out of wood. Pig #3 was building his house out of bricks even farther down the road. And last, but not least, Pig #4 was building his house out of, well, toothpicks, cotton swabs, and hair gel. (He's a little wacko)

Here we go...

The first pig had almost finished building his house when he noticed a large shadow looming over him. He turned, he saw the big bad wolf, he squealed, then turned as white as a sheet. Have you ever seen a pig do this? It's quite entertaining. The wolf thought it was so funny he fell over on the ground laughing hysterically. Pig #1 seized his chance and ran as fast as his fat little legs could carry him down the road to his brothers house.

How do you like it so far? It's much better, in my opinion.

The second pig had almost finished his house by the time that pig #1 got there. He was so exhausted from running that he fell in a heap on the ground. Not being very nice, pig #2 just left him there to fry in the hot sun. Having finished his house, he stepped inside and helped himself to a tall glass of hard lemonade.
By the time the wolf had arrived at the second house pig #1 was a large piece of bacon laying in the middle of the road. Forgetting about his mothers condition, he swallowed it in two bites.

Well, I guess the original author had some right to say that there were only three pigs because, well, now there ARE only three!

Having finished his tasty little appetizer the big bad wolf set his sights on pig #2's house. The little pig inside knew this. Being the courageous one of the family, he went into the newly built back room and found his dart gun. Then he scampered back to the front window, pulled out his fake little crosshair, and aimed for the approaching wolf.

I feel I must make known that I have sympathy for the wolf at this point in the story. Here is an almost innocent wolf, meandering along looking for a decent lunch and then this ballistic pig starts shooting darts at him. I tell you. What is this world coming to? Anyway...

Having no knowledge of the onslaught of darts that was to come upon him, the wolf walked briskly down the garden path towards the front door. As soon as he was in range, the pig let loose a barrage of darts. Seeing as his gun was a machine dart gun, this was quite a lot. The wolf, being struck in several very uncomfortable places, howled with pain and ran back down the path, across the road, and into the woods.
I sure showed him! thought the pig.
He sure showed me, thought the wolf while pulling darts out of every place imaginable on his furry body.
The pig, feeling very bold and proud of himself decided to go down to his brothers house and recount the adventure he had just experienced. Not thinking, he set his dart gun down on the counter and set off at a brisk pace down the road. The wolf saw this. He thought about it. He thought some more. Then, he had an epiphany:
I can go down to pig #3's house and get both of them there! he thought excitedly.
Having found new courage, he ran out of the woods and down the road towards pig #3's house.
Pig #3 was busy finishing his house when his brother came waddling down the road.
"You're still not done?" said #2.
"No. I'm making my house out of bricks, remember?" replied #3.
"Ah. I got it. Hey you want to hear an exciting adventure story?"
"Sure. Let's go inside where it's cooler."
So, they went inside and pig #2 recounted his adventure with the wolf. He was so wrapped up in telling the story, and his brother so enthralled with the story, that neither of them saw the wolf creep around the house and come in the back door.
I've got them now, thought the big bad wolf.

Since there are children in the audience I think I will skip over this part. I think you can guess what's going to happen anyway. It gets pretty gory. I'll tell you some other time.

The big bad wolf was lounging around his newly captured fort, er, house. He was quite sleepy after his large meal. He was almost asleep when he remembered his mothers condition.
Now I have to get another pig? Oh man. I hate this job. I think I’ll quit the acting job after this, he thought.
After lugging his bulk out onto the road yet again, the wolf set off towards pig #4’s house. It’s made of toothpicks, cotton swabs, and hair gel remember? Since it would take awhile to build a whole house with only those materials he had decided to just make a tent for the night. This meant that he had a lot of supplies left over. When he saw the wolf lumbering down the road he quickly formulated a plan. Being the weirdo he is, he dipped himself in hair gel, rolled in the cotton swabs, and stuck two toothpicks on his head to look like antlers. He lashed a few other toothpicks together and made a spear. He looked quite frightening. When the wolf saw him, he thought it was the snow monster resurrected. When the pig started making horrible screeching noises the wolf turned and ran as fast as he could back down the road and back to his house.

--THE END