16 February, 2006
Runny Babbit
Hey, I've just been added to a blog titled "Runny Babbit." It's all spoonerisms. If you don't know what that is, you'll just have to look at the blog.
01 February, 2006
The Balloon
31 January, 2006
So, I was ambling down Park Avenue, when this giant balloon came down in front of me. That wouldn't be too unusual, except for it said "HEY, FRANK!" on the front, in big, blue letters. Seeing how big it was, and thinking devious thoughts to myself, I pulled out my pocketknife and stabbed it. I had overlooked one small detail: My leg was tied to the balloon. As I was flying upside-down, rapidly upward, watching the street shrink away below me, I thought to myself, "Meatloaf. I shouldn't have eaten meatloaf." I mean sure, it tasted good and all but, on the 13th of February, in a leap year? How much more unlucky can you get?
So, anyway, the balloon had almost deflated by this point, and I was wondering if I would land anywhere near the ocean, when I saw a monstrous pelican flying towards me. When it saw me, it eyes bulged out of it's head, it dropped the fish in it's mouth, screamed (Have you ever heard a pelican scream? Very funny.), and had a heart-attack.
As I was watching the body of the screaming pelican fall out of the sky, I noticed that I wasn't moving upwards anymore. In fact, I was falling straight down! The faster I fell, the bigger the earth became. Or, was I getting smaller? Thinking about Einstein's theory of Relativity, I wondered if I had become infinitely passive, or was it massive? That didn't matter anymore when I realized that I was plunging towards the blue planet and a steadily increasing rate.
Fumbling through my pockets, looking for something that might help me survive my horrific adventure, I found a granola bar. Having nothing better to do with my right hand, I proceeded to ingest it. With my left hand, I franticly searched my wallet, looking for my library card. I had had a brilliant idea: Go to the library, and check out a book about how to survive a fall from fifteen-thousand feet. Then I realized that I didn't have time; I had a doctors appointment today. Darn. I'd have to do that tomorrow.
Just then, I made a very interesting discovery: It is nearly impossible to whistle while traveling as extreme rates through the atmosphere. I had been trying to find the tune to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," but without success. Just as I was trying to think of who I could tell about this amazing breakthrough, WHAM! I landed in an alley, just off Second Street.
Some little seven-year-old kid on a bicycle came up to my slightly deformed body and said in a high squeaky voice, "Hey, Mister? You okay?"
"Yeah, sure, kid. Whatever you say."
"Okay. See you later!"
And with that he rode off into the distance. I couldn't see which direction he had gone, because I couldn't move my head. Darn. Now I wouldn't know where to look for him so I could pound him. Then everything went dark.
The next thing I knew, I was staring into some very bright lights, with two nurses and an old man staring into my face.
"Well, look who's awake." said the doctor. "I know just what you need now."
Then he retrieved a small pink bottle from the counter, and poured a good amount down my throat. It tasted like, like, meatloaf!
Just then, I happened to glance over at the little gift table near the door. On it sat a big balloon, with big blue letters on it reading, "HEY, FRANK!"
So, I was ambling down Park Avenue, when this giant balloon came down in front of me. That wouldn't be too unusual, except for it said "HEY, FRANK!" on the front, in big, blue letters. Seeing how big it was, and thinking devious thoughts to myself, I pulled out my pocketknife and stabbed it. I had overlooked one small detail: My leg was tied to the balloon. As I was flying upside-down, rapidly upward, watching the street shrink away below me, I thought to myself, "Meatloaf. I shouldn't have eaten meatloaf." I mean sure, it tasted good and all but, on the 13th of February, in a leap year? How much more unlucky can you get?
So, anyway, the balloon had almost deflated by this point, and I was wondering if I would land anywhere near the ocean, when I saw a monstrous pelican flying towards me. When it saw me, it eyes bulged out of it's head, it dropped the fish in it's mouth, screamed (Have you ever heard a pelican scream? Very funny.), and had a heart-attack.
As I was watching the body of the screaming pelican fall out of the sky, I noticed that I wasn't moving upwards anymore. In fact, I was falling straight down! The faster I fell, the bigger the earth became. Or, was I getting smaller? Thinking about Einstein's theory of Relativity, I wondered if I had become infinitely passive, or was it massive? That didn't matter anymore when I realized that I was plunging towards the blue planet and a steadily increasing rate.
Fumbling through my pockets, looking for something that might help me survive my horrific adventure, I found a granola bar. Having nothing better to do with my right hand, I proceeded to ingest it. With my left hand, I franticly searched my wallet, looking for my library card. I had had a brilliant idea: Go to the library, and check out a book about how to survive a fall from fifteen-thousand feet. Then I realized that I didn't have time; I had a doctors appointment today. Darn. I'd have to do that tomorrow.
Just then, I made a very interesting discovery: It is nearly impossible to whistle while traveling as extreme rates through the atmosphere. I had been trying to find the tune to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," but without success. Just as I was trying to think of who I could tell about this amazing breakthrough, WHAM! I landed in an alley, just off Second Street.
Some little seven-year-old kid on a bicycle came up to my slightly deformed body and said in a high squeaky voice, "Hey, Mister? You okay?"
"Yeah, sure, kid. Whatever you say."
"Okay. See you later!"
And with that he rode off into the distance. I couldn't see which direction he had gone, because I couldn't move my head. Darn. Now I wouldn't know where to look for him so I could pound him. Then everything went dark.
The next thing I knew, I was staring into some very bright lights, with two nurses and an old man staring into my face.
"Well, look who's awake." said the doctor. "I know just what you need now."
Then he retrieved a small pink bottle from the counter, and poured a good amount down my throat. It tasted like, like, meatloaf!
Just then, I happened to glance over at the little gift table near the door. On it sat a big balloon, with big blue letters on it reading, "HEY, FRANK!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
