V-Force

Tom landed on the floor safely. Looking up, he could see all of his comrades waiting to come down from the prison. Large, white, and cold. Rarely seeing daylight, all type V items were becoming ill and dying rapidly. This last alliance, titled “V-Force,” was on a mission to escape.

“Come down now, Aspar.”

Sliding down the make-shift string-cheese zip line, Aspar made it to the floor. Being the tallest member, this was no trouble. Next came Broc, the largest and strongest of V-Force. Oni came next. He was the strong-willed, quick-thinking, short-and-squat Force member. Then Pepre, the smallest member, imported from France some time ago. They had escaped the horrible cold of Fridgidarium!

Once they had themselves organized, Tom called a team meeting. They huddled together, linking all their leafy appendages.

“Okay, guys. We're out. Now we have to figure out how to get to the Wild.”

Aspar, being intelligent, remarked, “Well, we don't even know in which direction to start!”

“Wait,” said Pepre, with his thick French accent. “I have the map here.” And with that he whipped out a map of the realm of Kitchenea written on the virtually indestructible Lunchmeat paper. “It looks like we should go S.” he finally said.

“What does 'S' mean?” asked Broc.

“Um, let me look here.” said Pepre. “Okay, the legend says that 'S' mean Stove. We're supposed to go due Stove.”

“Okay, we've found our direction.” said Tom. “Enough chit-chat. Let's go.”

All green and leafy limbs stretched to the center of the circle.

“All for V, and V for all. V-FORCE!”

To be continued

The Balloon

31 January, 2006

So, I was ambling down Park Avenue, when this giant balloon came down in front of me. That wouldn't be too unusual, except for it said "HEY, FRANK!" on the front, in big, blue letters. Seeing how big it was, and thinking devious thoughts to myself, I pulled out my pocketknife and stabbed it. I had overlooked one small detail: My leg was tied to the balloon. As I was flying upside-down, rapidly upward, watching the street shrink away below me, I thought to myself, "Meatloaf. I shouldn't have eaten meatloaf." I mean sure, it tasted good and all but, on the 13th of February, in a leap year? How much more unlucky can you get?

So, anyway, the balloon had almost deflated by this point, and I was wondering if I would land anywhere near the ocean, when I saw a monstrous pelican flying towards me. When it saw me, it eyes bulged out of it's head, it dropped the fish in it's mouth, screamed (Have you ever heard a pelican scream? Very funny.), and had a heart-attack.

As I was watching the body of the screaming pelican fall out of the sky, I noticed that I wasn't moving upwards anymore. In fact, I was falling straight down! The faster I fell, the bigger the earth became. Or, was I getting smaller? Thinking about Einstein's theory of Relativity, I wondered if I had become infinitely passive, or was it massive? That didn't matter anymore when I realized that I was plunging towards the blue planet and a steadily increasing rate.

Fumbling through my pockets, looking for something that might help me survive my horrific adventure, I found a granola bar. Having nothing better to do with my right hand, I proceeded to ingest it. With my left hand, I franticly searched my wallet, looking for my library card. I had had a brilliant idea: Go to the library, and check out a book about how to survive a fall from fifteen-thousand feet. Then I realized that I didn't have time; I had a doctors appointment today. Darn. I'd have to do that tomorrow.

Just then, I made a very interesting discovery: It is nearly impossible to whistle while traveling as extreme rates through the atmosphere. I had been trying to find the tune to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," but without success. Just as I was trying to think of who I could tell about this amazing breakthrough, WHAM! I landed in an alley, just off Second Street.

Some little seven-year-old kid on a bicycle came up to my slightly deformed body and said in a high squeaky voice, "Hey, Mister? You okay?"
"Yeah, sure, kid. Whatever you say."
"Okay. See you later!"
And with that he rode off into the distance. I couldn't see which direction he had gone, because I couldn't move my head. Darn. Now I wouldn't know where to look for him so I could pound him. Then everything went dark.

The next thing I knew, I was staring into some very bright lights, with two nurses and an old man staring into my face.
"Well, look who's awake." said the doctor. "I know just what you need now."
Then he retrieved a small pink bottle from the counter, and poured a good amount down my throat. It tasted like, like, meatloaf!

Just then, I happened to glance over at the little gift table near the door. On it sat a big balloon, with big blue letters on it reading, "HEY, FRANK!"

Robert's Adventure

27 September 2004

This is the story of me. When I say me I am referring to myself, Robert. I'm a spider. I live in a crack in the wood in someone's house. It’s quite roomy! I have my web spun across the back like a hammock. I guess I look like any old spider except for the maroon spot on my back. My friend's call me the "Maroon Widower". I have really big feelers on my head that I use to probe things since I can't see too well. Well that’s enough about me for now. This is about my adventure. I’m lucky to be able to recount it for you today. It’s almost claimed my life. I know you big people don’t think much of it when you squish one of our innocent comrade’s but just think of it this way: You’re just walking along minding your own business and all of a sudden this giant comes out of nowhere and start’s chasing you! It’s only apparent intent is to kill you with all due speed. You run for your life screaming to all other living creatures to head for the hills. Then, it happens. You don’t really know what happens but it does. As far as I know you get squished. All that’s left of you is a little puddle. Okay! Now on to my adventure! I was hiding from the people who live in the house. It just so happened that I was hiding in the water spout. Suddenly it got very dark. Something had closed over the end of the spout! I was trapped. I ran down the pipe and into the ground as fast as I could. It was then that I heard a deafening screech from above. As if in response I heard a low rumbling from below. It was getting louder and louder. It was getting closer too! I was helpless. I waited for whatever it was to strike. All of a sudden I was flying upward! Then I smashed my head on something hard. I was to find out later that it was the top of the water spout. When I fell down I landed in something very wet. I think it was water. Then I was flying down a long black tunnel. I couldn’t see a thing. Then I saw a light at the end of the tunnel! It was the salvation of the world for me. As I got closer and closer it got bigger and bigger. Then when I thought I was going to pass into the realm of my grandfather and uncle, I was flying through the air! Flying, flying, falling, falling and then falling some more. It seemed an eternity before I crashed back to earth with a resounding thud. The next thing I knew was my Dad leaning over me and my Mom in the background. I was in my house! I was safe and as far as I knew I wasn’t in the realm of grandpa or anyone else for that matter. I was home.

THE END. (Or is it?)