V-Force

Tom landed on the floor safely. Looking up, he could see all of his comrades waiting to come down from the prison. Large, white, and cold. Rarely seeing daylight, all type V items were becoming ill and dying rapidly. This last alliance, titled “V-Force,” was on a mission to escape.

“Come down now, Aspar.”

Sliding down the make-shift string-cheese zip line, Aspar made it to the floor. Being the tallest member, this was no trouble. Next came Broc, the largest and strongest of V-Force. Oni came next. He was the strong-willed, quick-thinking, short-and-squat Force member. Then Pepre, the smallest member, imported from France some time ago. They had escaped the horrible cold of Fridgidarium!

Once they had themselves organized, Tom called a team meeting. They huddled together, linking all their leafy appendages.

“Okay, guys. We're out. Now we have to figure out how to get to the Wild.”

Aspar, being intelligent, remarked, “Well, we don't even know in which direction to start!”

“Wait,” said Pepre, with his thick French accent. “I have the map here.” And with that he whipped out a map of the realm of Kitchenea written on the virtually indestructible Lunchmeat paper. “It looks like we should go S.” he finally said.

“What does 'S' mean?” asked Broc.

“Um, let me look here.” said Pepre. “Okay, the legend says that 'S' mean Stove. We're supposed to go due Stove.”

“Okay, we've found our direction.” said Tom. “Enough chit-chat. Let's go.”

All green and leafy limbs stretched to the center of the circle.

“All for V, and V for all. V-FORCE!”

To be continued

Lord of the Rings, Abridged

I woke up, briefly looked at the ceiling, and promptly sat up only to bang my head and fall right back down again. While rubbing my sore cranium, I looked around the room. Wait, this wasn't my room! No wonder I'd smashed my skull on the ceiling, it was only three feet away! I gingerly sat up and slipped out of the bed.

It was a very small room with a domed ceiling, one perfectly round window, and various necessities such as a dresser and the bed. Just then, I heard a call from somewhere on the other side of the door.

“Bilbo? Bilbo! Are you in there?”

Then I heard another voice, this one much closer.

“I'm terribly ill, it's very contagious, and I wouldn't want to pass it on. Goodbye!”

This statement was followed by a fluent stream of muttering that I won't repeat here. There were some hurried footsteps, and I heard a door open. Being utterly confused and having nothing better to do, I opened my little round door also. A small figure with large hairy feet stood in front of me, glancing furtively out the windows. He noticed me.

“Oh, good you're up. I was wondering how long you'd sleep.” he said.
“Um...” I mumbled incoherently.
“Well, no time to lose. Tonight is the big party, you know. 111, can you believe it? Ah well, we'd best be going.”

With that he walked straight out a slightly larger round door at the front of the house, if you can call it that, and out into the bright sunshine. Once again being confused and unoccupied, I followed him.


Gandalf really didn't fit through the door. He banged his head just like I had earlier that morning. I stifled a laugh. He had lead me away from the glorious party, the dozens of little people running about, the fireworks, the food, everything. He wanted me to see something.

“Go in the kitchen, and don't let yourself be seen or heard.” he commanded.
“Um...” I stammered.
“Go!”

I shuffled into the adjoining kitchen from the main room and crouched next to the wall. Gandalf stood in a corner of the room. We waited for a few minutes, and then I heard somebody coming up to the door and muttering to himself. He came in the door and I saw that it was Bilbo. Maybe that copious amount of distress-sounding noise from the party had something to do with him dashing up here by himself. He walked into the main room, and Gandalf startled him.

“So you still have it, do you?”
“What? Have what?” Bilbo jumped. “Oh, this little thing, ha ha. Yes, I've kept it around all these years. Silly, I know...”
“No, it is not. You aren't fooling me, Bilbo. I know what that ring has done and what it can do.”
“I was only having a bit of fun!” Bilbo maintained.
“A bit of fun, eh? For all we know, all nine could be on their way here now because of your 'fun'!”

Gandalf was getting angry.

“Wait, all 'nine'? Nine what?” I stood up and interjected.

Gandalf turned to me.

“What did I tell you? Shut up!”

I meekly returned to my spot in the kitchen.

“What's he doing here?” asked Bilbo.
“Oh, now there is something I have never figured out.” stated Gandalf with a sigh.


“So how in the world, or Middle Earth I should say, are we supposed to get in there?”

I was beginning to get very frustrated sitting next to this ominous black pool of water and a sheer granite cliff with a strange illuminated door on it.

“We have to remember the password.” said Pippin.
“I know that, but what's the password?” I indignantly asked.
“Well, this is just a random guess, but what if it's a fruit or vegetable?” said Sam.
“Yeah, like a melon or something?” said Frodo.

And with that, the doors cracked open. Just the thought of cantaloupe was enough for those old dwarves to open the gates to their...palace. I looked in the black hole that had appeared in the cliff-side, and I couldn't see a thing. Nothing at all. I was expecting warm fires and more little hairy people and food and company! Dark, dank, and dismal was all I got. Why did I come on this trip again?

However much I despised that black hole, I was thankful for it. Because just then a monstrous octopus-type thing with a huge mouth came out of the water and started grabbing at us. Aragorn and Borimir valiantly chopped off some tentacles and Legolas shot it right in the spleen with a well-placed arrow, but that just ticked it off more. Realizing we were fighting a losing battle here, we all dashed into the unknown blackness that is Moria.


“He said their armor is weak below the shoulder.” said Aragorn.
“Thanks. I really wish I could understand Legolas when he starts speaking Elvish.”

I was worried he had said something like “Cover me, I'm going in.” or something else heroic like that.

“Yeah, learning Elven was definitely – hey, is that rain? Oh, man! This is terrible. I hate rain.”
Aragorn was glowering at the sky.
“Well, those 10,000 orcs out there don't seem to mind. They'll probably slay every last woman and child whether it rains or not.”
“Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, 'tally ho' as they say. Let's kick some orc butt!”


Ew, this stuff is sticky, he thought to himself. What is it?

Having just climbed a massive staircase (if you could call it that, it was more like a ladder without rungs), and being exhausted, Frodo was slightly out of sorts.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter. Just gotta keep -

“WOAH! Holy crap, what was that?!”

A supremely enormous arachnid had just made a swipe at him. Frodo was terrified beyond all reason, of course, and the spider was very annoyed that she had missed.


“Hey, uh, Gandalf?” Pippin looked concerned.
“Yes, Master Peregrine?”
“Yeah, uh, you might want to come give Denethor a talking to. He's, uh, trying to burn Faramir alive.”
“Hmm, that is a problem isn't it?” Gandalf thought deeply.
“I thought so, so I came to get you.”
“Well, alright. Shadowfax, let's go!”


“Well guys, we did it.” I said proudly.

The four hobbits and I were on our long journey back to the Shire.

“So what are all of you planning to do next?” I asked. “I mean, what could ever top saving the world?”
“I'm going straight to the Green Dragon and having a couple pints” said Pippin.
“I'll probably go make myself a new pipe. I haven't had a good smoke since Isengard.” said Merry.
“What about you, Frodo?” I asked.
“Oh, I've heard that Gray Havens place is pretty nice. I might see everybody back home and then go check it out.”

There was a long pause.

“And you, Sam?” I asked.

We all looked over at him. He was gazing off into the distance, a small smile and a look of wonder on his face. Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and I all looked at each other.

“Rosie.”

We all laughed heartily.

The Balloon

31 January, 2006

So, I was ambling down Park Avenue, when this giant balloon came down in front of me. That wouldn't be too unusual, except for it said "HEY, FRANK!" on the front, in big, blue letters. Seeing how big it was, and thinking devious thoughts to myself, I pulled out my pocketknife and stabbed it. I had overlooked one small detail: My leg was tied to the balloon. As I was flying upside-down, rapidly upward, watching the street shrink away below me, I thought to myself, "Meatloaf. I shouldn't have eaten meatloaf." I mean sure, it tasted good and all but, on the 13th of February, in a leap year? How much more unlucky can you get?

So, anyway, the balloon had almost deflated by this point, and I was wondering if I would land anywhere near the ocean, when I saw a monstrous pelican flying towards me. When it saw me, it eyes bulged out of it's head, it dropped the fish in it's mouth, screamed (Have you ever heard a pelican scream? Very funny.), and had a heart-attack.

As I was watching the body of the screaming pelican fall out of the sky, I noticed that I wasn't moving upwards anymore. In fact, I was falling straight down! The faster I fell, the bigger the earth became. Or, was I getting smaller? Thinking about Einstein's theory of Relativity, I wondered if I had become infinitely passive, or was it massive? That didn't matter anymore when I realized that I was plunging towards the blue planet and a steadily increasing rate.

Fumbling through my pockets, looking for something that might help me survive my horrific adventure, I found a granola bar. Having nothing better to do with my right hand, I proceeded to ingest it. With my left hand, I franticly searched my wallet, looking for my library card. I had had a brilliant idea: Go to the library, and check out a book about how to survive a fall from fifteen-thousand feet. Then I realized that I didn't have time; I had a doctors appointment today. Darn. I'd have to do that tomorrow.

Just then, I made a very interesting discovery: It is nearly impossible to whistle while traveling as extreme rates through the atmosphere. I had been trying to find the tune to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," but without success. Just as I was trying to think of who I could tell about this amazing breakthrough, WHAM! I landed in an alley, just off Second Street.

Some little seven-year-old kid on a bicycle came up to my slightly deformed body and said in a high squeaky voice, "Hey, Mister? You okay?"
"Yeah, sure, kid. Whatever you say."
"Okay. See you later!"
And with that he rode off into the distance. I couldn't see which direction he had gone, because I couldn't move my head. Darn. Now I wouldn't know where to look for him so I could pound him. Then everything went dark.

The next thing I knew, I was staring into some very bright lights, with two nurses and an old man staring into my face.
"Well, look who's awake." said the doctor. "I know just what you need now."
Then he retrieved a small pink bottle from the counter, and poured a good amount down my throat. It tasted like, like, meatloaf!

Just then, I happened to glance over at the little gift table near the door. On it sat a big balloon, with big blue letters on it reading, "HEY, FRANK!"

Divert Your Course

http://www.nata2.info/humor/pictures/americans.gif

Morning Person

Morning Person

21-Apr-2005

In the misty morning I awoke,
With my eyes all baggy and my wallet broke;
My mind said, "James!" and I said "Who?",
My alarm clock was ringing: I didn't know what to do!
I pushed some buttons, then I pushed some more,
Then I slipped out of bed and fell on the floor!
I hit my elbow, then my left knee,
Then I realized: I really had to pee!
So with much pain and suffering, I got off the floor,
And with as much haste as I could muster, I made for the door;
When in the hall, my feet did slip,
And to the ground I was taking a trip;
I reached the bathroom, all battered and bruised,
Then I saw, it was already being used!

Robert's Adventure

27 September 2004

This is the story of me. When I say me I am referring to myself, Robert. I'm a spider. I live in a crack in the wood in someone's house. It’s quite roomy! I have my web spun across the back like a hammock. I guess I look like any old spider except for the maroon spot on my back. My friend's call me the "Maroon Widower". I have really big feelers on my head that I use to probe things since I can't see too well. Well that’s enough about me for now. This is about my adventure. I’m lucky to be able to recount it for you today. It’s almost claimed my life. I know you big people don’t think much of it when you squish one of our innocent comrade’s but just think of it this way: You’re just walking along minding your own business and all of a sudden this giant comes out of nowhere and start’s chasing you! It’s only apparent intent is to kill you with all due speed. You run for your life screaming to all other living creatures to head for the hills. Then, it happens. You don’t really know what happens but it does. As far as I know you get squished. All that’s left of you is a little puddle. Okay! Now on to my adventure! I was hiding from the people who live in the house. It just so happened that I was hiding in the water spout. Suddenly it got very dark. Something had closed over the end of the spout! I was trapped. I ran down the pipe and into the ground as fast as I could. It was then that I heard a deafening screech from above. As if in response I heard a low rumbling from below. It was getting louder and louder. It was getting closer too! I was helpless. I waited for whatever it was to strike. All of a sudden I was flying upward! Then I smashed my head on something hard. I was to find out later that it was the top of the water spout. When I fell down I landed in something very wet. I think it was water. Then I was flying down a long black tunnel. I couldn’t see a thing. Then I saw a light at the end of the tunnel! It was the salvation of the world for me. As I got closer and closer it got bigger and bigger. Then when I thought I was going to pass into the realm of my grandfather and uncle, I was flying through the air! Flying, flying, falling, falling and then falling some more. It seemed an eternity before I crashed back to earth with a resounding thud. The next thing I knew was my Dad leaning over me and my Mom in the background. I was in my house! I was safe and as far as I knew I wasn’t in the realm of grandpa or anyone else for that matter. I was home.

THE END. (Or is it?)

The Four Little Pigs

THE THREE FOUR LITTLE PIGS
13-Feb-2005
16-Feb-2005
I think I am correct in saying that just about everyone has heard the story of the three little pigs. At least, you've heard of it. If you haven't heard the complete story, this will be a lot easier for you to grasp. For the rest of you, just hang on tight.
Although the original writer of "The Three Little Pigs" preferred to stay anonymous, he did say this: "Everyone makes mistakes." This is very true. He made two big ones though. Not having much writing experience when he wrote the book, he completely left out the two most important characters. One, the fourth little pig, and two, the big bad wolfs mother. Without them, the whole story is very anti-climatic. You see, the reason the big bad wolf was trying to blow their houses down in the first place was this: His mother had a condition. Never mind what kind, it was just a condition. The only cure was a healthy dose of fresh pork and bacon. As for the fourth little pig, well, I must admit he doesn't do much but, he keeps the story from being so vapid. Adds flare, pizzazz, whatever you want to call it. You'll just have to see for yourself.
His second mistake was, it's too light. He completely cut out all the fighting and exciting chases. No fun at all. I however have taken the creative liberty to add some excitement to the story. Enjoy!
Now I present to you the new and revised edition of, "THE FOUR LITTLE PIGS"

It was a fine sunny day in the Mountain Valley. In a quaint little house on top of a hill there lived a mother pig with her FOUR sons...

Well this part isn't any different so, I'll skip ahead to when they're building their houses.

Pig #1 was just down the road busily building his house out of straw. Pig #2 was about another mile down the road building his house out of wood. Pig #3 was building his house out of bricks even farther down the road. And last, but not least, Pig #4 was building his house out of, well, toothpicks, cotton swabs, and hair gel. (He's a little wacko)

Here we go...

The first pig had almost finished building his house when he noticed a large shadow looming over him. He turned, he saw the big bad wolf, he squealed, then turned as white as a sheet. Have you ever seen a pig do this? It's quite entertaining. The wolf thought it was so funny he fell over on the ground laughing hysterically. Pig #1 seized his chance and ran as fast as his fat little legs could carry him down the road to his brothers house.

How do you like it so far? It's much better, in my opinion.

The second pig had almost finished his house by the time that pig #1 got there. He was so exhausted from running that he fell in a heap on the ground. Not being very nice, pig #2 just left him there to fry in the hot sun. Having finished his house, he stepped inside and helped himself to a tall glass of hard lemonade.
By the time the wolf had arrived at the second house pig #1 was a large piece of bacon laying in the middle of the road. Forgetting about his mothers condition, he swallowed it in two bites.

Well, I guess the original author had some right to say that there were only three pigs because, well, now there ARE only three!

Having finished his tasty little appetizer the big bad wolf set his sights on pig #2's house. The little pig inside knew this. Being the courageous one of the family, he went into the newly built back room and found his dart gun. Then he scampered back to the front window, pulled out his fake little crosshair, and aimed for the approaching wolf.

I feel I must make known that I have sympathy for the wolf at this point in the story. Here is an almost innocent wolf, meandering along looking for a decent lunch and then this ballistic pig starts shooting darts at him. I tell you. What is this world coming to? Anyway...

Having no knowledge of the onslaught of darts that was to come upon him, the wolf walked briskly down the garden path towards the front door. As soon as he was in range, the pig let loose a barrage of darts. Seeing as his gun was a machine dart gun, this was quite a lot. The wolf, being struck in several very uncomfortable places, howled with pain and ran back down the path, across the road, and into the woods.
I sure showed him! thought the pig.
He sure showed me, thought the wolf while pulling darts out of every place imaginable on his furry body.
The pig, feeling very bold and proud of himself decided to go down to his brothers house and recount the adventure he had just experienced. Not thinking, he set his dart gun down on the counter and set off at a brisk pace down the road. The wolf saw this. He thought about it. He thought some more. Then, he had an epiphany:
I can go down to pig #3's house and get both of them there! he thought excitedly.
Having found new courage, he ran out of the woods and down the road towards pig #3's house.
Pig #3 was busy finishing his house when his brother came waddling down the road.
"You're still not done?" said #2.
"No. I'm making my house out of bricks, remember?" replied #3.
"Ah. I got it. Hey you want to hear an exciting adventure story?"
"Sure. Let's go inside where it's cooler."
So, they went inside and pig #2 recounted his adventure with the wolf. He was so wrapped up in telling the story, and his brother so enthralled with the story, that neither of them saw the wolf creep around the house and come in the back door.
I've got them now, thought the big bad wolf.

Since there are children in the audience I think I will skip over this part. I think you can guess what's going to happen anyway. It gets pretty gory. I'll tell you some other time.

The big bad wolf was lounging around his newly captured fort, er, house. He was quite sleepy after his large meal. He was almost asleep when he remembered his mothers condition.
Now I have to get another pig? Oh man. I hate this job. I think I’ll quit the acting job after this, he thought.
After lugging his bulk out onto the road yet again, the wolf set off towards pig #4’s house. It’s made of toothpicks, cotton swabs, and hair gel remember? Since it would take awhile to build a whole house with only those materials he had decided to just make a tent for the night. This meant that he had a lot of supplies left over. When he saw the wolf lumbering down the road he quickly formulated a plan. Being the weirdo he is, he dipped himself in hair gel, rolled in the cotton swabs, and stuck two toothpicks on his head to look like antlers. He lashed a few other toothpicks together and made a spear. He looked quite frightening. When the wolf saw him, he thought it was the snow monster resurrected. When the pig started making horrible screeching noises the wolf turned and ran as fast as he could back down the road and back to his house.

--THE END